The Story Behind the Inspiration

Growing up my biggest goal in life was to be a mom. I can remember back to grade school when they would always ask “what do you want to be and why”, I always responded with, “I want to be a mother”. My teachers would then tell me to choose a paid profession. Fast forward to high school, we had to research careers, salary, benefits, work environment etc. My answer always stayed the same however, teachers never accepted. As time passed and I moved from one grade to the next, I always chose a different career to research every time the topic was assigned. I finally researched information about becoming a dental hygienist. The work schedule and pay of a dental hygienist seemed to fit with my dream of motherhood.

  After marrying my high school sweetheart and graduating from West Liberty University with a Bachelor of Science degree in Dental Hygiene, my husband and I learned that having children was not going to be easy due to some personal health problems of my own. Soon after that news we began infertility treatments. It was a very long path full of heartbreak, disappointment, and many tears. Finally, after several years, that path led to our miracle, our first-born son Harlan Carter Hayes.

Harlan was born on January 28th, 2022, at 2:20pm. He weighed 6.4 ounces and measured 9 inches long. Harlan was born at 19 weeks and 3 days of gestation. Harlan lived for 43 minutes. Those 43 minutes were the shortest, but longest minutes of my life. All of my dreams and plans I had imagined during my pregnancy boiled down just 43 minutes.  Harlan's birth was spontaneous, so I had no warning and no plan. I went from decorating his nursery to planning a funeral. It was a complete whirlwind. I was stuck in trauma mode, replaying every little detail leading up to the day he was born and his delivery. My husband and I were a complete mess, unsure how we were going to survive losing him. He was our everything, something we wanted and waited for. Our hearts yearned to be a mommy and a daddy for so long and in the blink of an eye, it was taken so fast. As the days passed, we created as many memories as possible. I would sing to Harlan and my husband Austin would watch WVU basketball games with him. However, the day finally came where we would have to leave the hospital. The funeral home came and collected him to prepare him for his service. There we stood staring as they carried him away from my arms. I was his first and only home. My heart was shattered into a million pieces all over again. I had always imagined my husband would carry him out of the hospital secured snug in his car seat. I never in a million years expected to leave empty handed that day.

We made it home to be greeted by a quiet house. No baby cries, nothing, just silence. His empty crib haunted me. The nursery was still. Nothing was how it was supposed to be. I was drowning under an insurmountable amount of grief. I would hold his belongings close to me and smell them to remember him. I would constantly scroll through my pictures trying to make sure I didn't forget any detail of him. I was so broken, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't eat. It was a time full of depression, anxiety, PTSD, sadness, and anger. Even with the help of therapy and medications, every single day felt like I was just fighting to breath.

Several months after losing Harlan, I learned I was pregnant by surprise, with my daughter Hallie. I thankfully delivered her alive and healthy. Soon after coming home from the hospital, we had a newborn photography session. Several weeks after the session, I received my final gallery back. The images were all so beautiful. They were something I would cherish forever. I began to cry after viewing them realizing I had no special creative photographs of Harlan. During his birth, I never thought of having professional photographs taken but, I do regret it now. That is when I had the idea to capture special photographs of infant loss. I want to give to people what I feel I needed to help me through my loss. A beautiful photo is a snapshot of time, a memory I would have cherished forever.

Harlan’s Heart Photography was inspired by my beautiful, most precious son Harlan Carter Hayes and I hope to honor him by dedicating myself to supporting grieving families in their time of need.